“You mean you don’t work in fashion? What Seriously?”
(Overheard, Lincoln Center, New York Fashion Week 2011)
Dip dyed locks
The only person that can really get away with this is Nicki Minaj and even then she looks like she’s been ejaculated on by Rainbow Brite. For a lazy girls guide, might I suggest some bleach and a bottle of squeezy tomato ketchup.
Felt tips
Headwear
If your attempt at the above went horribly wrong, you can always disguise your brittle neon coloured locks with some headwear. A Turban in particular will do the job and give you that fashiony glamorous edge, like Liz Taylor on bath night. If you’re feeling really brave you could just rock a hair net like that woman you get your battered saveloy from down the chippy on a Friday Night. No, really, this was an actual look.
- Eee by Gum (Insert your own stereotypical Northern phrase)
Misspel ur fashun Tweetz
If you do manage to get into a show, you must tweet as if your life depended on it, taking grainy back of head pictures on your Swarovski wrapped iPhone’s and uploading these immediately to every available social networking site. The more ludicrously you spell the words and the more creative you are with grammar and punctuation, the more important you will sound. Who gives a fuck about spellign when ur sat secund row at Burberry Prosum? (Which I won’t be, regrettably).
Front Row Etiquette
If you’ve followed my advice above, you might find yourself on The Front Row. Or TFR as it’s cunningly abbreviated. You should see this as an opportunity to mentally rate the quality of guests using the internationally acceptable formula; French Indie Film Starlets > T4 Presenters < Kids Whose Parents Were Once Famous = Quality of Front Row. Remember, do not under any circumstance look as if you are enjoying yourself or more importantly, the collection. Mildly constipated should always be the correct facial expression. The IBS nine-yard stare is a look that you can work on in the privacy of your own home. Add to this a pastel coloured Moleskine notebook which you should pretend to scribble in, along with perhaps a few sketches of the collection’s key highlights. Do not use this as an opportunity to draw pictures of willies, especially given the close proximity to other fashionistas*. (Trust me, I learnt the hard way).
- Ooh these dresses are really trendy*
The Fashion Macaroon
With as much originality as Frankie Boyle’s stand-up routine, the Fashion Macaroon has spread like pustulous acne across the fashion capitals of our World. They do taste nice though, if not a bit samey despite the crazy colours and pompous sounding names your outlet of choice has bestowed upon them – lavender dream anyone?
Please feed us something else
Abbrevs
If you really want to sound like you know what you’re on about then try throwing about a few abbreviations; Vivienne Westwood becomes Westwood, Julien MacDonald becomes Julien and Christopher Kane becomes, well, you get the freaking picture. You’re FAR too important and busy to exert the energy it takes to say a name in full – plus this has the added benefit of making you appear like you’re on first name terms with the designer. Only you’re not and neither is anyone else.
The Fashion After Party
There are two things to remember should you find yourself at a Fashion After Party. That girl you were just hitting on was actually a guy and if you find yourself getting snapped by a I’mtakingyourpictureinabidtogetlaid.com fashion photographer then there are only two acceptable poses:
1. The cheek suck/Diana head tilt. Best accompanied with a slight lift of your free glass of cheap Prosecco (cunningly disguised as champagne by being in a flute and being vaguely carbonated).
2. The peace sign two finger salute. Just pretend you’re a Japanese schoolgirl posing next to a Prince William waxwork at Madame Tussauds. Alright you can stop pretending now, pervert.
Notes;
* DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE SAY THE WORD ‘TRENDY’ OUT LOUD DURING FASHION WEEK OR USE IT TO DESCRIBE A COLLECTION. The only person that should use this word is your mum when she’s bought a pair of slim-fit jeans from Next and she’s showing them off to you in the lounge before she goes to Bingo. ‘Ooh, do you like my Trendy jeans.’ This is really the only acceptable use-age of this word and even then it’s pretty dubious.
*NOBODY USES THIS WORD ANYMORE. NOT EVEN IRONICALLY. NOT EVEN THE DAILY MAIL.
Or alternatively, you could always read a book.
