Secret Diary of an Unlikely Rapper

In Uncategorized on November 20, 2009 at 12:00 pm

About a week ago I confessed to knowing all the words to Ice Ice Baby and was totally unprepared for the media furore this confession would create.  Okay, I might be exaggerating here slightly. I got a few emails and one anonymous voicemail message from an as yet unidentified source, slurring the first verse down the phone. And BTW, whoever that was, for the record the lyric is;  flow like a harpoon not flow like a baboon. I’m still wondering how that would work.

If Brooke Magnanti aka Belle De Jour aka Acceptable Middle Class Face of Prostitution, can come out as a sex worker and emerge relatively unscathed, then surely I can be forgiven for my secret obsession with crass songs containing inappropriate raps? Like Brooke, it has become important to acknowledge this aspect of my existence.

Just to clarify here.  I’m not actually coming out as a former prostitute, although to be fair I did work in advertising for some years and sometimes it felt quite similar. That is, the pretending you like someone because they have given you money, not the having sex with strangers bit.

I don’t think anyone would look at me and immediately think RAP. I am about as hip hop as someone who grew up in Devon on a schizophrenic musical diet of Meatloaf (thank you older sister) and Adam Ant (thank you older brother) and has my DAB radio tuned to Classic FM.

Whilst I’m in a confessional mood I may as well admit to the rest. It doesn’t stop at Vanilla Ice. It is also the John Barnes rap in New Order’s, Love’s Got the World in Motion and when the mood takes me, The Shamen’s Ebeneezer Goode. (Naughty naughty very naughty.)

Over a decade later I still find myself getting all Van Winkle and reciting the lyrics whenever I reach into the freezer.  It’s a curse as much as a blessing.  Luckily though, this has meant I can never enter an Iceland  for fear of bringing on a Vanilla Ice style meltdown. Every cloud, eh?

A perfect storm of feelings and circumstances drew me out of hiding. And do you know what? It feels so much better on this side. Not to have to tell lies, hide things from the people I care about.

Brooke Magnanti aka Belle De Jour. November 15th 2009.

  1. Absolutely fantastic, I can sense a new organisation developing here, Vanilla Ice Anonymous!

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