Je ne regrette rien… All the tattoos I never had.

In Uncategorized on June 6, 2010 at 8:33 pm

I’m thinking about all the tattoos I never had.

1988: The Heart:  Location: Upper Arm: Inspiration:  Brother

My brother was a soldier.  After a tour of duty in Northern Ireland, he returned to the family home many months later with some serious  double-gunned inkage. One being his blood type  written in stark serious font on his  wrist, (de rigeur for combative military types back then) and the other a more traditional Heart affair encompassing the words Mum & Dad in squirly Latin scroll.   Have you ever watched your mum trying not to be mad at something? I have and it’s hilarious.  WHAT ? YOU’VE HAD A TATTOO?  RIGHT, THAT’S IT!  COME HERE, COME HERE… OH, OH, AWWWWW…

Are you still mad, mum?

1993: The Scorpion: Location: Shoulder: Inspiration: Slutty Dancing Girl.

Holidays as a child were generally spent at various Haven Caravan parks in Cornwall.  It wasn’t quite as two-berth as Pontins,  yet neither did it have the social cache of holidaying at a Butlins- the  shining Mecca of cheap family gettaways. This didn’t matter, when you’re a kid anywhere that had a water slide and a vaguely heated pool was Living The Dream. At the teen disco one evening whilst trying to emulate the vaguely sexual dance moves of an older girl, who knew all the words to Snow’s Informer, I saw something  dangerously wild glinting through the strobe.  As she ground and wound her body (these are technical dance terms) around the polished floor, an eight legged athropod revealed itself to the room, perched precariously on her shoulder.   Flanked by a small gathering of Jazz cologned, doused & aroused teenage boys, I knew what I needed was a Scorpion tattoo.

This is obviously *not* Slutty Dancing Girl

1995:  The Celtic squiggle: Location: Lower Back. Inspiration:  Shirley Manson or The Spice Girls or something.

When low rise jeans peaked in popularity so did the classic Tramp Stamp, although back then it was for a fleeting second considered rather cool, (but then so were mood rings, ahem.) Often generically Celtic in design, it gave the wearer some kind of mystic 90’s kudos they were probably lacking and unable to chanel through the quartz crystals we had all gone out and bought.  This was probably the closest I got to actually getting one, but changed my mind at the last moment when some ink dude told me it would cost £125, but he could pierce my tongue for £30. Erm, okay then.

Overhang optional.

2000:  The Swallow. Location: Hand. Inspiration: Camden. Mostly

I spent a barely conscious portion of my youth working in a dubious fancy dress shop in the now commercially sanitised Stables Market in Camden Town. All the cool Nu-Rockerbilly chicks had these pretty little Swallows over their hands and necks. My obsession with this intensified when I was told that having them on your hands meant you had,  y’know, done time. Wow. How hard would I look if I had one of those?

Self-harm scars sold separately

2010: The Literary or Lyric  tattoo: Location: Inner arm/back of neck/Belly splash: Inspiration: I just like, wanna be really cool, like Peaches Geldolf and stuff.

For the past eight months I have been quietly obssessing about getting  Je Ne Regrette Rientattooed on the inside of my arm,  but I’m worried I’m going to regret it.

Thank you Sylvia, leave your issues at the door.

I’m destined to remain inkless…

  1. Just came across this whilst *embarrassed face* researching Je Ne Regrette Rien tattoos…and just thought I should let you know that two good things have now happened as a result of reading…

    1.) I am never getting a Je ne regrette rien tattoo, and now realise how much of a tit I would look. There should be more stuff like this out there to dissuade impressionable fools hell bent on ‘self expression’
    2.) I found your blog…your writing is genuinely funny and your tattoo piece made me laugh so much, infact it brightened my day… really hope your writing ‘cunning plan’ works out for you!

  2. Remain inkless! Am sure you wont regret it. Thank you for your kind comments.

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